A Pictorial Lesson In Doom

I should have known. It was so obvious, in hindsight. The signs were there for all to see. But I was too blind. Or sane. Anyways, the following is a tale of evil omens that ultimately led to a Dawgs defeat to the Arkansas Razorbacks earlier this afternoon.

It all started as I rushed home from work, hoping to make it to my couch before kickoff. But it was not to be. For, you see, I was recklessly cut off in traffic by someone who apparently thought the German Autobahn had been extended all the way to Poplar Avenue in Memphis, Tennessee. As it turns out, this is not actually the case. I looked up after regaining control of my truck just inches from what surely would have been a fiery demise (actually, I just had to swerve a little bit, but I almost hit this pothole in the road), and what do I see?

Confused Little Piggie.

Arkansas plates. Bad Omen #1.

Well, as I sat there in my truck trying to regain my composure (did I mention it was a really big pothole?), my attention was drawn to an obnoxious eyesore of a billboard. I tried to avoid looking because I had a sudden premonition of what I’d see: doom. And I was right. It’s funny because I’d never noticed this billboard before. Yet, here it was, right in front of me, taunting me in a frighteningly foreboding fashion:

Probably Uses An Annoying Pig Soundboard

Pig Radio. Bad Omen #2.

Needless to say, I got out of there right quick after seeing that abomination. Maybe a little too quickly, in retrospect. Because I had not even made it that far down the street when what do I see in my rearview mirror? Yup. More doom:

Yeah, I've Got Dirty Windows.

Sus Scrofa Guardia. Bad Omen #3.

You know what’s great about football season? Fellow football fans are willing to help a brother out. After some careful negotiation with the nice policeman (lots of pleading and, I admit, some tears), I was once again headed to the house, still full of hope for at least catching some of the first half of what I was sure to be a great victory. As I now look back on that moment, I smile wanly at how innocently happy I was as I unknowingly headed onward to my doom.

I rounded a corner and drove down a side street to my home. And there it was. Right in front me. The final sign. Somewhere, perhaps in the Dungeon Dimensions, what must have been some long-missing half of a mysterious amulet snapped into place. Evil had been unleashed:

That's All, Folks

Pig Wig. The Final Omen.

So, you see? We never had a chance. Events conspired against us. Ancient, eldritch events.* Looking back, we were lucky to escape with only a seven point loss.

*In the interest of full disclosure, the adventure described above may or may not have actually happened to the author as so artfully depicted. In fact, if you mouse over each picture, a truth of sorts may be revealed. And now that the cat’s out of the bag, here’s a final picture that I didn’t end up needing but that I’m going to share anyway because it lets me quote The Beatles:

Mister city policeman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row.
See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky, see how they run.
I’m crying.

Go Dawgs!

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3 Responses to “A Pictorial Lesson In Doom”

  1. […] But, dangit, I still demand an ass-kicking from the (real) Dawgs. Because, you see, there was one little incident marring what would have otherwise been an all around pleasant afternoon. They sprinkled bacon on our tofu dogs. Sure, they apologized profusely for it because they assumed, I’m sure, that folks who would order tofu dogs might generally not dig on the swine. In our case, this was not true. But I’ve had my fill of pig. […]

  2. […] But, dangit, I still demand an ass-kicking from the (real) Dawgs. Because, you see, there was one little incident marring what would have otherwise been an all around pleasant afternoon. They sprinkled bacon bits on our tofu dogs. Sure, they apologized profusely for it because they assumed, I’m sure, that folks who would order tofu dogs might generally not dig on the swine. In our case, this was not true. But I’ve had my fill of pig. […]

  3. […] this peaceful feeling is a result of a massive adrenaline crash. That’s what happens when you drive home from work with your eyes closed and find that you’ve actually survived the […]

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